"Yet Will I Trust Him"

As I (Pam) write this blog entry, I am sitting at Janet's bedside, having spent the night with her in the hospital. She has spent 4 nights here now, and last night we began to see a significant increase in her physical strength. She was up for several hours chatting with Becky and me, and it was truly a delightful evening! This morning she seems more able to get out of bed and walk without assistance.

During the past two days, Janet has undergone two radiation treatments, with the hope that the radiation will provide enough pain relief to allow the doctors to reduce her medications and thus keep her mind clear. At this point, the radiation will not prolong her life, but it may produce some pain relief. It has been such a HUGE gift to us all to have Janet back to her old self these past few days: smiling, pleasant, and clear-minded, although she is still weak.

When this journey first began last month, Janet asked Dr. Rattiya, the oncologist, how the disease typically progresses. At that time, Dr. Rattiya answered, "It's different for everybody. Some people have one long, slow decline and then quietly slip away. Other people seem to be very up and down, having good days and bad days, as if they are raging against death."

I've contemplated Dr. Rattiya's words over and over again this past week, and it seems clear that Janet is following the "up and down" pattern--having good days and bad days. We anticipate keeping her in the hospital a little while longer, until she is stabilized physically, and then perhaps she can go home again. The doctors (3 on her treatment team) have all indicated to us that it is a typical pattern for cancer patients at this stage to be in and out of the hospital during the last several months as needs arise.

Last night, when Becky and Janet and I were talking together and wondering about "why" God might be waiting to take Janet home, and how hard it is for us as caregivers to watch her suffer, Janet said, "The one thought that keeps coming to my mind, even though I so desperately want to go on and be with the Father, is 'Though he slay me, yet will I trust Him.'" We all three sat on Janet's bed, quietly contemplating the profound importance of that thought. Please pray that all of us will be granted more faith.....more faith for this journey.

I realize that tomorrow or the next day we could be back to having another "bad" day and Janet could take a downward turn again. But for today we are on a good upswing. And we are grateful. One day at a time.